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Dreams & Nightmares

For me, there are dreams in both my conscious awakened state and during my sleep state. There are times when all I can do is think about what is to come next. What will the next chapter of my life bring. I dream about how the rest of my life can and/or will play out. It all seems so uncertain and worrysome, at times. For every one of us, I’m sure, not just me. I guess maybe I tend to think about it more now, given my health conditions and life expectancy, as a result of those conditions.

I like to dream about pleasant outcomes and then, out of nowhere, there comes that demon on my shoulder frequently and rudely invading my ever so pleasant day dreams. I do my best to knock the little demon bastard off my shoulder and stay on the positive train to happy town.

I guess it is inevitable, things do not always go as I would like them to. But sometimes, it seems, luck is with me and things do turn out favourably. I have learned to ask the question, what is it that I need to learn from this unfortunate situation or unpleasant circumstance? I do my best to remember that there is a learning or teaching moment in every single instance of unpleasantness and misfortune. Using this approach seems to help to keep the train on the right set of tracks, so to speak.

I have lived and seen both my positive dreams and my nightmares become reality, in an awakened and conscious state. My goal is to try not to look back, too often, at the undesired situations and circumstances and focus on the miracles and great wonders that I have experienced. This helps to keep me focused on what is important, for me, going forward.

I find it easier to deal with the waking dreams and nightmares than the sleep state ones. It would seem to me that there is a lot less control and rationality in my sleep state dreaming.

I can make sense of what I am day dreaming about. But, in my sleep state, I have no control or influence in just how crazy and out of control things can and do become. The sleep state dreaming affects my every day waking life. My dreams and nightmares linger, sometimes for days, and have a stinging or burning like quality to them.

I have some sleep state dreams that are pleasant. When I wake from a pleasant dream, I try my best to fall back to sleep so I can continue with it. More times than not, this fails and I find myself sad and unable to truly focus the next day. It seemed to be real and I was happy. After I wake from these dreams I usually lay in bed, wide awake, and unable to sleep. Mostly because I am sad that this pleasant dream was not real and I once again woke to pain and disappointment. A good example of this, is when I dream that I am with my grandparents, who both passed many years ago, and I am getting to have one more visit with them. One more opportunity to listen to them tell a story or hear them laugh or have just one more hug from them. It is something to hold onto. Something that can comfort me until I meet them again in the afterlife.

One of the dreams I have been having a lot lately is of my father. He is in my dream and he starts to say and do all the things that I so desperately wanted him to do when he was still alive. His passing this past year on December 26th was unusually difficult because of our estranged relationship. In my dreams, he attempts to be the father I had always hoped for but then, before I know it, I am awake and left feeling sad, lonely and broken hearted. There were so many hurtful things said and done and promises broken that another full lifetime would not or could not make up for it. But I have to say that I think I could have accepted how things were a little easier, if he hadn’t got his one last dig in. A self written ulige, read aloud by another, to drive the knife in just a little further. My poor beat up heart. I thought I had accepted the truth, so why am I still dreaming about this? Obviously it is some unhealed trauma that I still need to do some work on. I have to work so hard every day, just to live and be well. I don’t want to have to work at forgetting him anymore. Just go! Please!!

If I dream of something pleasant or comical my following day is productive and I am unstoppable. A view of the world and the opportunities in front of me is crystal clear. A good example of one of my favorite dreams is when I’m dreaming of riding my 1998 Honda 300 ATV. I so love that bike and at one point in my life it seemed that I would never be able to get on it again, never mind actually driving it. Through a big mud hole, by myself! That makes me very happy and my good mood is unbreakable after dreaming about it and especially after physically doing it!

The nightmares are the worst. I have been plagued with them my whole life. It is amazing that I have not died in the midst of these horrible episodes. My heart races and upon waking I feel extremely sick almost to the point of throwing up.

I dream vividly of personal and violent attacks, that feel so real, I swear I can feel the knife actually cutting my flesh and warm blood running down my extremities, from the wounds. The wound that is the most vivid and painful in these dreams is that of being burned alive and feeling the flesh melting away from my body.

I have dreams of being stuck in a run away elevator and it is racing to the depths of hell. It feels like there is no gravity and I am floating. I can’t find anything to hold on to. Then I feel my body slamming to the floor as the elevator stops and I wake as I feel the immense pain from the crushing fall.

The nightmare that is most horrifying to me is the one where I wake up, again, in the hospital, in the same way that I did after my heart attack. The doctor comes to me and says that, for me now, this is as good as it gets that I have only hours left to live. The hard part is not being able to say my goodbyes because there is not a soul there to say good bye too. Even if I was able to talk or move, this time, I am completely alone.

I could go on about my nightmares but I am sure you’re starting to develop a gruesome picture. I do not ever fall back to sleep after these kinds of nightmares. I can’t bear to..

As I’m sure you can imagine, I do not sleep well very often. I am grateful, however, for those nights when I do get a good night’s rest. I think the key is to practice good sleep hygiene and use self love practices as much as possible.

If any of you experience these same or similar situations, please be kind to yourselves. Look into some form of help. There is a wealth of knowledge, guidance and positive re-inforcement at your fingertips. You just need to take the fist step and perservere. I will and you can too!

We are all worth it and yes we ARE enough, even if others do not see it.

I want to end this post on a positive fun note so please watch the video.

As Always,

Love Tanya Jean