Month: May 2023

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Fiddlehead Challenge

My husband and I are very fortunate to live in an area where we can forage one of my favorite foods in the whole world, maritime fiddleheads. Fiddleheads can be a challenge to forage due to a number of factors. The hardest part for me is my mobility issues. This is due to my foot drop and balance, or lack there of at times. Lol. In the locations where this delicacy can typically be found, there is usually a real obstacle course of reeds, bushes, stumps, washed up debris or drift wood and often times very uneven and slippery sandy ground. This being said, I wear good hiking boots that come well up onto my calf muscles to keep my feet and ankles from twisting and they are always laced up tight, right to the top. This year was the first time in fives years, since my heart attack, that I was strong enough and felt able to go out and participate in the harvest.

Another factor that makes fiddlehead foraging a challenge, for me, is the black flies. They and the fiddleheads wake up at the same time! Black flies are hungry little blood sucking insects that absolutely love the taste of, well, Me! As soon as I step outside, it’s like ringing a dinner bell for them. They seem to be thickest in places like the ones we frequent when foraging by the water or in the thick brush. The great thing is their life cycle usually only lasts until the end of June. But, in the meantime, if one is to remain unscathed from the blood sucking wrath of these plentiful little creatures, one must strategize and outsmart them.

The best of the season for fiddlehead foraging, in our area, typically starts around Mother’s day and goes for approximately a month or so. Depending on how much sun and heat we have at that time. My husband and I decided that we would get up earlier than the black flies this year to get a few hours of picking in, in the wee hours of a very cool Friday morning, before they woke. By mid-morning, as they started to appear, looking for breakfast, we had managed to pick almost 30lbs of this delightful delicacy. Which will be very tasty during the long cold and dark months of our New Brunswick winter.

As soon as the sun started to warm the earth, they took flight and their breakfast was found. I think most of it came from my flesh. At that point, it didn’t take us long to pack up our treasures, secure them to our ATV’s and head for safer ground. It is so hard to believe that such a small little creature could wreak such havoc on ones blood supply leaving behind such swollen, nasty and itchy welts. Well at least that’s how it is for me. Lol. They are a force to be reckoned with for sure. I feel bad for some of the wild life at this time of year, but at least they have their tricks to drive and repel the little blood suckers away.

The black flies seem to be unaffected by most bug sprays and repellants. It is not that I like using them but sometimes it is your only defense. If you can find one that works. In addition, they are so small that they can crawl right through the mesh, into my bug jacket. At least I think that’s how they get in there? Smoke seems to be the best deterrent. If one was to build a small “smudge” fire the smoke will drive or keep them away. This can sometimes be difficult to do, however, depending on how dry the spring has been, as burning can sometimes be restricted at this time of year in order to help prevent early season forest fires.

Most of the places where we go to pick fiddleheads can be a challenge to get to. Some of the areas that we frequent can only be accessed on foot or with an ATV. There are a couple of fiddlehead patches that were closely guarded secrets that were passed down to us from our elders. I believe they chose to share this with us because they knew we would respect the land and the bounty it provides. Just pick the fiddleheads and do not disturb anything else. Leave everything just as you found it, they would say. When picking fiddleheads one must be very careful, as there can be many poisonous plants that also grow close by. It can be very unpleasant to get into a patch of poison ivy before you’ve realized it, if you’re not paying attention.

So as you see, fiddlehead foraging can be challenging. Picking the fiddleheads is just part of the equation. There is much to be done before you actually get to enjoy eating them. Once you’ve picked them there is a process to successfully cleaning the brown paper like substance that is entangled in the coil. Because they grow in such sandy areas, usually along river banks or bog like areas, there can be a lot of dirt and bacteria caught up in these tightly wound little greens. Washing them thoroughly is extremely important and one should not eat them raw.

Once the fiddleheads are cleaned and washed you must boil them, until they are tender, before eating them. It usually takes a good twenty minutes to cook them completely. Sometimes depending on how dirty they are, or where you pick them, you may have to change the water at least once before completely finishing the process. I now of some folks who like to preserve them using the canning method which allows them to be stored in the pantry, to be enjoyed at a later date. Personally, I have always blanched them, put them in bags and placed them in the freezer. I find that this method is the best way to preserve the freshness, great taste and the high amount of antioxidants they possess, for my taste. I also like this method because a sandwich bag full makes a perfect portion size for one meal for my husband and I.

In my opinion, along with that of many others I have conversed with on the topic, fiddleheads are a superfood that are an important part of meal planning. They are also a high fiber food, which, for some reason, is now more important to me than it used to be. Lol. I used to crave having a big heaping helping of fiddleheads when I was in the hospital, after my heart attack. I believe my body was trying to tell me I needed the healing properties that they could provide. A big bowl of fiddleheads was one of my very first meal requests, upon arriving home from the hospital. Thankfully we had some blanched and frozen and even though they were out of season, I was able to satisfy my craving.

In foraging them yourself, fiddleheads are a fair amount of work but well worth it, in my opinion. You simply cannot beat the flavor and freshness, especially when they’re topped with some butter and/or a touch of vinegar. My husband likes the vinegar but I prefer just butter and a dash of salt. Doesn’t really sound super heart healthy I know, but with all of the work that goes into getting them to my plate, I think the health benefits outweigh the small amount of topping. My cardiologist always says, anything in moderation…

I hope that if any of you who have never tried fiddleheads and are now inspired, or maybe get the opportunity to do so, you will try them and please let me know if you enjoyed them as much as I do!

Stay healthy 🥰

As Always,
Love Tanya Jean

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Breaking The Cycle

I have learned many lessons throughout my 54 years and most of them the hard way. I suppose I will always continue to learn. But it seems that now, I lean a little more towards the path of least resistance. Learning, to me, means investing in the growth of one’s self. I believe that if we stop learning and stretching ourselves, we go from truly living to simply existing, and in my opinion, that is not living. I think I read this somewhere in my travels and it just seemed to make sense to me. Are we not here but to challenge and school ourselves? Our purpose is but to grow, and a human can not grow as an individual, unless we keep learning. That was a mouthful, but I think you get the point.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned, the hard way, is that hope can kill or make you seriously ill.

What I mean by hope can kill, is that hoping people will change to suit your wants or needs will never happen, and in my experience, the stress of that hoping can eventually kill you. Stress can literally cause physical illness. Hoping can cause stress, therefore enough stress, caused by hoping, can in fact kill. Well, at least I think that’s what it did to me. Especially after discovering Dr. Gabor Mate and studying his beliefs and teachings. There is more certainty in my mind now than ever before.

Dr. Mate has written several books on his theories and approach to healing, which are backed up by decades of science and research. If we do not stay true to ourselves, in the way of our wants and needs, it will manifest into some sort of illness. He also believes and has fact based research that would prove that a fetus inside a woman’s body can feel her stress and it can and will affect the fetus not only in the womb but also once the child is born. As well as later on in life.

I do not doubt for one second that my parents loved me. For me, the problem was the kind or type of love they were capable of giving. They were both so damaged, in many ways. It was these facts and my experience of life that led to my conscious decision to break the cycle.

I knew, deep down inside, that there could and most likely would be a good chance that, if I did have children, they too would be affected by the ripple effect of this cycle of damage. After all, how could I raise children if I could not even get my own shit together. I was a people pleaser and could never say “no”. To anyone. Ever. I ignored my own needs because I did not want to say no or disappoint anyone, with their wants or needs. I believe that the accumulative effects and damage from doing this actually killed me. Well, for thirty-five minutes. The first time. So, how could I, in good conscience, pass that on to another human??

I always said that my husband and I would love and do our best to raise children, if it ever happened. We both decided, however, that it was okay if it never did. I think that we both felt that it was just one of those things that was not meant to be. Or, did we??

Because we never had children, we were able to live a life together that not many people get to experience. I am grateful and very happy that we have had the opportunity, to build this life together.

On the other side of the coin, it is too late for us now. There are times when I day dream and wonder what it would have been like to experience having a child with my husband. I think he would have made an amazing Dad.

Not long after I start to day dream, however, reality sets in and I remember. I remember that even if I had been the best Mom ever and my husband was the best Dad, somehow that ripple effect would find my child. I don’t think after everything I have been through, I could live with myself if I thought for one second that my child would suffer even one moment of the life experience I have been through. So for me, it was a blessing. It was probably the one choice I truly made for myself.

We, as people, need to accept reality and change our life situations, according to our wants and desires, for ourselves. It is not right to try to change other people to suit you or your situation, regardless of the capacity. They are who they are and you are who you are. I think that we need to accept that if those two do not mesh, it cannot be forced or coaxed or even tortured into submission. Sure a person can play a role, for awhile, but in the end that role can only be played for so long before the true nature of the situation is revealed. Just simply hoping and wishing things were different, without taking action toward your desired results, will most often lead to disappointment and maybe even illness.

So, in my experience, I have learned that I need to accept people for who and what they are. Now with that in mind, if for one reason or another, that does not mesh well with my wants and desires, or my views, or moral compass. I must move on and continue searching for the company of those who do mesh with same the views and values that I feel are important. As an example, I do my best to live with intent and purpose that is meaningful to the betterment of all living beings. I can accept that there are beings in this world, that do not feel the same way. However, I choose not to form a close relationship with them, as our views differ, and that is okay. I can only do my part in the betterment of the world and giving energy to hoping that others will follow suit only takes away from my capacity to give.

In theory, if one was to spread love, then love is what will come back to one. I have felt this but only in the setting of a few like minded individuals.

Some people give by making music and what better feeling than to listen to a piece that you can totally relate to. Some people like to volunteer to help those in need. Some people like to create art and share in the joy of a beautiful piece. Some people like to write and spread their words of encouragement. Some people help nature to flourish. Whatever it is that calls to you, do it. Love will come back to you from all the right beings and those who can appreciate it. Spread the love it will heal you in ways you never thought imaginable. You will be doing your part to help human kind to heal this broken world and yourself at the same time. We may all be broken in some way and could use the healing power of love and a little empathy.

I understand why I feel so connected to animals. There is no second guessing how they feel about you. Animals either like you or they do not. Animals make no apologies for who or what they are. They are strong in there convictions and tell it the way it is. Animals do not play games with peoples emotions. They will give love freely if, they feel your energy and intentions are pure. If not, they will make every effort to remove themselves from the situation, quietly. Unless, of course, you pose a threat to them, their young or their survival.

I guess, in many ways, I have given life. Maybe not to my own offspring but to the idea of spreading love and compassion. Especially to those in need of it and especially to my animal friends.

Breaking the cycle of unwanted patterns may be hard. But I think it can be well worth it. Especially when you succeed in the end.

To me, these are some valuable lessons and observations.

Please be kind…

Love As Always,

Tanya Jean

Posted on by — 4 Comments

My Grammy… My Angel

Another Mother’s day has come and gone without you here. I can not begin to express how much I miss you and the way you were with me. I even miss those dry old scratchy hands you used to rub my back in such a soothing way. I know that sounds weird but even though the skin of those hard working hands was rough, the touch was soft, soothing and loving. When I was sick or even just having a hard time to sleep I could count on those incredibly healing hands to mend all that was wrong. Not to mention the long talks we would have about anything and everything. There was never any judgement just a loving ear to bend and an encouraging word if needed.

Mother’s day has been very hard for me since you passed. I miss your laugh and the way you used to lovingly scold Grampy. I can still hear you saying, “oh Eddy”, with the tone of a grin on your face. I clearly remember the way you used to be so meticulous in the way you kneaded your bread or cut vegetables for pickling or super.

I can still smell, even though I lost my sense of smell years ago, your turkey dinners and bacon cooking for a special morning breakfast on the weekends. You always took such care in preparing your meals and put a little touch of love in with every stir of the spoon.

What I wouldn’t give to be sitting in the living room with you watching one of your favorite daytime soaps or a good nature show listening to the clicking of your knitting needles. Every stitch so precise without even watching what you were doing. The beautiful afghans you had knit me still keep me warm and remind me of you everyday. Even my animal friends can feel the love of every stitch as they always pick one of many to cuddle up on. Those beautiful warm pieces of your art work is all I have left to hold on to you now. They wrap around me like you are sending me a hug from the heavenly afterlife you now reside in. I cling to them like they are my life line on a difficult day remembering you and what you might have said to me with encouragement.

I know you were sent to me in this life because I needed a living angel. Perhaps that was part of the reason we share part of the same name. I am proud to have your name in mine. I can only hope to live up to it. You have big shoes to fill for a short woman. I would like to think that I have your kind but broken heart. Thank you for your loving guidance and reigning in reality for me. You taught me many life lessons, and yet somehow, I feel that I still have more to learn.

I understand why you had to go even though it shocked me at the time. One day you were here and the next day just a memory of a great woman. I know you would not have wanted to go any other way and so I can respect your wishes. Grief can temporarily blind ones perspective when it is such a quick passing at a young age. You worked tirelessly to make sure your family was well looked after. It was time for the big long sleep and for you to reunite with loved ones that had passed. I know how much you must have missed them because I am sure it compares to how much I miss you now.

Know that my life was whole because you were in it, even if it was not for as long as I had hoped for. I want to thank you for being you and loving me. I know we will meet again in the afterlife. Until then, I can feel your presence in what remains of the working part of my heart. Love and miss you dearly Grammy. Rest well my heavenly angel.

As Always,

Love Tanya Jean

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Dreams & Nightmares

For me, there are dreams in both my conscious awakened state and during my sleep state. There are times when all I can do is think about what is to come next. What will the next chapter of my life bring. I dream about how the rest of my life can and/or will play out. It all seems so uncertain and worrysome, at times. For every one of us, I’m sure, not just me. I guess maybe I tend to think about it more now, given my health conditions and life expectancy, as a result of those conditions.

I like to dream about pleasant outcomes and then, out of nowhere, there comes that demon on my shoulder frequently and rudely invading my ever so pleasant day dreams. I do my best to knock the little demon bastard off my shoulder and stay on the positive train to happy town.

I guess it is inevitable, things do not always go as I would like them to. But sometimes, it seems, luck is with me and things do turn out favourably. I have learned to ask the question, what is it that I need to learn from this unfortunate situation or unpleasant circumstance? I do my best to remember that there is a learning or teaching moment in every single instance of unpleasantness and misfortune. Using this approach seems to help to keep the train on the right set of tracks, so to speak.

I have lived and seen both my positive dreams and my nightmares become reality, in an awakened and conscious state. My goal is to try not to look back, too often, at the undesired situations and circumstances and focus on the miracles and great wonders that I have experienced. This helps to keep me focused on what is important, for me, going forward.

I find it easier to deal with the waking dreams and nightmares than the sleep state ones. It would seem to me that there is a lot less control and rationality in my sleep state dreaming.

I can make sense of what I am day dreaming about. But, in my sleep state, I have no control or influence in just how crazy and out of control things can and do become. The sleep state dreaming affects my every day waking life. My dreams and nightmares linger, sometimes for days, and have a stinging or burning like quality to them.

I have some sleep state dreams that are pleasant. When I wake from a pleasant dream, I try my best to fall back to sleep so I can continue with it. More times than not, this fails and I find myself sad and unable to truly focus the next day. It seemed to be real and I was happy. After I wake from these dreams I usually lay in bed, wide awake, and unable to sleep. Mostly because I am sad that this pleasant dream was not real and I once again woke to pain and disappointment. A good example of this, is when I dream that I am with my grandparents, who both passed many years ago, and I am getting to have one more visit with them. One more opportunity to listen to them tell a story or hear them laugh or have just one more hug from them. It is something to hold onto. Something that can comfort me until I meet them again in the afterlife.

One of the dreams I have been having a lot lately is of my father. He is in my dream and he starts to say and do all the things that I so desperately wanted him to do when he was still alive. His passing this past year on December 26th was unusually difficult because of our estranged relationship. In my dreams, he attempts to be the father I had always hoped for but then, before I know it, I am awake and left feeling sad, lonely and broken hearted. There were so many hurtful things said and done and promises broken that another full lifetime would not or could not make up for it. But I have to say that I think I could have accepted how things were a little easier, if he hadn’t got his one last dig in. A self written ulige, read aloud by another, to drive the knife in just a little further. My poor beat up heart. I thought I had accepted the truth, so why am I still dreaming about this? Obviously it is some unhealed trauma that I still need to do some work on. I have to work so hard every day, just to live and be well. I don’t want to have to work at forgetting him anymore. Just go! Please!!

If I dream of something pleasant or comical my following day is productive and I am unstoppable. A view of the world and the opportunities in front of me is crystal clear. A good example of one of my favorite dreams is when I’m dreaming of riding my 1998 Honda 300 ATV. I so love that bike and at one point in my life it seemed that I would never be able to get on it again, never mind actually driving it. Through a big mud hole, by myself! That makes me very happy and my good mood is unbreakable after dreaming about it and especially after physically doing it!

The nightmares are the worst. I have been plagued with them my whole life. It is amazing that I have not died in the midst of these horrible episodes. My heart races and upon waking I feel extremely sick almost to the point of throwing up.

I dream vividly of personal and violent attacks, that feel so real, I swear I can feel the knife actually cutting my flesh and warm blood running down my extremities, from the wounds. The wound that is the most vivid and painful in these dreams is that of being burned alive and feeling the flesh melting away from my body.

I have dreams of being stuck in a run away elevator and it is racing to the depths of hell. It feels like there is no gravity and I am floating. I can’t find anything to hold on to. Then I feel my body slamming to the floor as the elevator stops and I wake as I feel the immense pain from the crushing fall.

The nightmare that is most horrifying to me is the one where I wake up, again, in the hospital, in the same way that I did after my heart attack. The doctor comes to me and says that, for me now, this is as good as it gets that I have only hours left to live. The hard part is not being able to say my goodbyes because there is not a soul there to say good bye too. Even if I was able to talk or move, this time, I am completely alone.

I could go on about my nightmares but I am sure you’re starting to develop a gruesome picture. I do not ever fall back to sleep after these kinds of nightmares. I can’t bear to..

As I’m sure you can imagine, I do not sleep well very often. I am grateful, however, for those nights when I do get a good night’s rest. I think the key is to practice good sleep hygiene and use self love practices as much as possible.

If any of you experience these same or similar situations, please be kind to yourselves. Look into some form of help. There is a wealth of knowledge, guidance and positive re-inforcement at your fingertips. You just need to take the fist step and perservere. I will and you can too!

We are all worth it and yes we ARE enough, even if others do not see it.

I want to end this post on a positive fun note so please watch the video.

As Always,

Love Tanya Jean